Goodbye, My Little Girl (2005)

Goodbye, My Little Girl (2005)

I have two best friends. One is my husband. The other, I lost this weekend. Puma was 18 years old and she was the best friend and most loyal, loving companion I could have ever asked for. The hole in my heart for her will never be filled.

— Who is going to tap my face in the middle of the night?

— Who is going to demand that I lie on my right side so that she can crawl under the covers and curl up in my chest with her paws draped over my arm?

— Who is going to walk like a mountain goat all over me at night?

— Who is going to push her eyes and nose into my cheek as she snuggles into my chest?

— Who is going to wait at the end of the bed for me to finish getting ready to lie down so that she can come up and lie on my chest?

— Who’s going to keep cutting off my carotid artery with her paws because she wants to be so nuzzled and close in my neck?

— Who is going to put her paw on my mouth, while I’m sleeping, and just rest it there? 

— Who am I going to be able to rest my cheek on her back and rub her paws as she purrs herself to sleep?

— Who’s little tri-colored pads am I going to pet?

— Who is going to do yoga with me?

— Who is going to walk on the treadmill with me? (By sitting on the edge of the desk so I can pet her while I walk?)

— Who am I going to hold in my arms as I walk on the treadmill?

— Who am I going to play ‘peek-a-boo’ with when I’m in the shower?

— Who will sit on the counter, while I brush my teeth, drinking a cup of water?

— Who is going to lay her head on my powerbook while I type?

— Who is going to sit on my lap while I read the paper?

— Who is going to sit between us and stare at us, hoping for food, while we eat dinner? 

— Who is going to ‘step lively’ when she hears the crinkling of her cat treat bag?

— Who is going to sit on my desk and slap the eraser off of it, repeatedly, and just look down at it waiting for me to pick it up?

— Who is going to, one by one, slap everything off of the side table so she can sit there — and then get down and lie on all of the stuff she just knocked off?

— Who am I going to say to, “Throw your paws up in the air. Now wave ’em like you just don’t care. Go Puma, go Puma, go Puma,” as she throws her paw around when I vigorously rub her eyes and nose? 

— Who am I going to worry about getting home to because she’s probably wondering where I am? 

— Who am I going to call “the most beautiful girl in the world?”

— Who am I going to call “Honey-Bunny,” “Punkin’-Pie,” “Punkie Doodle-Pie,” “Punkin’ Doodle-Girl” and “The best girl ever?”

— Who am I going to run after and yell, “Iaaaaaaaaaaaaa’mmmmmmmmm gonna come and get’choo! Get’choo, get’choo, get’choo, get’choo, get’choo!” and have her run and crawl in whatever cardboard box is her favorite and ‘safe place’ at the moment?

— Who am I going to play ‘hide ‘n seek’ with?

— Who is going to get very concerned, sitting up on the couch with wide eyes, when I get up to go to the bathroom, worrying about where I am and that I might not come back? 

— Who’s going to follow me around the house? 

— Who am I going to spend every hour of the day making my best effort to make sure she feels safe?

— Who am I going to protect? Who am I going to mother? Who am I going to worry about as a routine and natural part of my life?

I have spent the last 18 years doing these things. No matter what has gone on, my main goal in life was to make sure she was happy. 

We have been through so much together and she was always there for me. We were there for each other after losing two of her little friends when she was just a little girl. I dragged her around in move after move. But, she was always there for me. She was there for me through breakups; job losses; thorough my darkest days of recovery. At a time where I felt I had nothing else to live for, I would come home, and she would be my reason for living. She saved my life.

We have been there for each other in good times and in bad, how could there not be both in the span of eighteen years? But it was always good when we were together — because we were together. We had a heart and spirit love and bond that grew throughout the years; that blossomed into something so special, so intimate and so very real. I learned, from her, acceptance and patience. I think she learned, from me, to have faith and to trust that someone could give her complete and heartfelt honesty in her relationship with them, accept her as she was, and still always be loving and truthful. 

18 years ago a tiny 8-10 week old torti-shell kitten sat quietly at the back of the cage in a pound. While all of the other kittens were reaching through the cage bars, she quietly sat there pleading with me, with her eyes, to pick her up. When I did, she laid her head on my shoulder and she said to me, “Pleeeeease take me home. Pleeeeeease take me out of this place.” I did. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. For all the pain I feel right now, I have never regretted that decision for a moment. She gave me 18 of the most wonderful years of my life. I only hope I did the same for her. 

Good-bye my little girl, I love and cherish you so very, very, much. And I always will. May you forever more be in purrs and happiness. 

Your Loving Mother,